what NOT to say to me (or anyone else who is experiencing infertility)

So here, in no particular order, are The Top Ten Things Not To Say To Someone Experiencing Infertility (with bonus pithy commentary):

(1) You need to relax!

The fact that rape victims can get pregnant puts this one to rest pretty quickly. I can't think of too many situations that are more stressful than that.

Of course, I was experiencing anxiety over this, but telling me that I need to relax sounds like you're blaming me. Infertility is a kind of illness, a malfunction of one of the body's systems, so please treat it that way. You wouldn't tell a cancer patient that she'll get well if she will "relax", would you?

(2) You should just adopt!

Adoption? Why, I've never heard of that! You say you can pay thousands and thousands of dollars, have every aspect of your life scrutinized, get put on a potentially years-long waiting list, and then possibly have the biological parent change her mind? Sign me up!

Seriously, though, this one really irks me. After two miscarriages and several years of infertility testing and treatment, we were tapped out physically, financially and emotionally.

It's not just some kind of checklist you go through

1.Try naturally: Check.
2.Go through testing: Check.
3.Clomid and timed intercourse: Check.
4.Injectables and IUI: Check.
5.IVF: Check.
6.Adoption: Check.
and only when you complete the checklist are you allowed to grieve your inability to have a child. No matter where you stop, you're still allowed to grieve.

After spending years trying to become pregnant, considering adoption is a complete switching of gears, and it's just not always possible to do that. Sometimes you just want it all to be over.

The fact that we didn't adopt doesn't mean that we really didn't want children enough. We decided to start a family for the same reasons most people do - we wanted to create a being that was a part of us. Is it selfish? Of course it is. So what? Most people don't have to think twice about it, though.

Anyway, it is not the responsibility of infertile couples to take in all the unwanted children of the world. I am in awe of those who have chosen this path, but my heart just wasn't in it. I don't think one should do it under those circumstances. That doesn't seem terribly fair to the child.

And I wonder if couples who already have one or two of their own biological children and are considering having another ever have this suggested in such a dismissive way. After all, if anyone should consider adoption, it should be those who have already been blessed, right?

Look, it's just a very personal decision, and it's not the "answer" to every couple's infertility problem,nor is it the solution to world hunger and poverty.

(3) You want kids? Please, take mine!

Oh, I get it. Raising kids is hard! Thanks, but I think I already knew this. And besides, I don't want your kids. They're funny looking and rude (I'm kidding - your children are adorable). Also, you don't really mean this. You're just trying to be cute, and you're not succeeding.

(4) There's probably a reason for it.

Like, maybe, my potential child was going to be the next Hitler or Manson? Something like that?

I do actually know the reason for one of my miscarriages. It was an abnormality resulting in a fetus with a genetic makeup that was "incompatible with life". (That's exactly the way it was phrased in the report. I find it kind of strangely poetic.) But, what was the reason behind that? It's simple: there is no reason for these things.

Would you ever tell a parent with a severely deformed child that there was a reason for it?

Sometimes bad stuff just happens, and that's that. At least that's the way I look at things. Please respect that.

(5) Oh, you're still young. It'll happen.

I'm not that young and how do you know it'll happen?

You are not clairvoyant. Don't give me false hope based on nothing more than your need to be "supportive".

(6) My cousin adopted a baby, and then one year later, boom, she was pregnant!

Well that's certainly a good reason to adopt, isn't it? I'm also pretty sure this doesn't always work. I can just hear the discussion now...

Joey: Mom and Dad, why did you adopt me?

Mom and Dad: Well, we really thought that, if we adopted a baby, then we'd get pregnant.

Joey: But I don't have a brother or a sister. So it didn't work, right?

Mom and Dad: No it didn't. But we've got you. And you're the next best thing!

(7) Have you tried accupuncture - meditation - standing on your head after sex, etc.?

Certainly not all at the same time! But, yes, believe me, we explored just about every avenue, be it based on medical science or on an old wives tale. We even went to a Chinese herbalist, who kept talking about "the house of the baby" (I assume he was referring to my uterus), and I spent two weeks drinking some sort of dark brown liquid twice a day that tasted like a combination of tree bark and liver. It made me want to throw up, which is the closest to pregant I got with it!

(8) I wish I had that problem!

So you're...what? Hyperfertile? There are things you can take for that, you know. Now please go away before your water breaks on my carpet.

(9) There are too many people in the world anyway.

Thank you Mr. Malthus! I fully realize this, and I promise that, if I'm lucky enough to have one, I'll immediately kill myself so it'll all even out.

Besides, you should be talking to the Duggar family. They live in Tontitown, Arkansas, and they probably have their own page in the phone book.

(10) I think that people who have infertility treatments are selfish.

I am actually torn on this one. I did think it was kind of selfish when I was going through it. Selfish for me - I'd never judge someone else for it. It was also incredibly expensive and mostly not covered by insurance. I know that medical resources are a finite commodity, so, yes, I was conflicted. I went as far as considering IVF, but took one look at the procedure and knew that I just couldn't go through with it.

But is it only the treatment that's selfish, or the desire for a child in the first place? Frankly, I thought they were both selfish (again, for me), but it seems like it's only the infertile person who is "lucky" enough to hear this one.

In situations like this, here's a good rule of thumb: Not every opinion that is in your head needs to be voiced.

____________________



I know that people want to help, they want to be encouraging, and they want to say something. I truly appreciate all of the people who listened, who cared, who prayed, and who felt some empathy with us. I don't believe that any of the inappropriate things people may have said were said with malice or out of spite. And believe me, I'm not perfect either, so I learned from my own "foot-in-mouth" experiences what not to say to other people going through this. The same principles can be applied to any other situation where someone is suffering and you want to say something. Acknowledge the pain, offer your support, and express your hope that things will get better.

If someone shares their infertility issues with you, I think the best thing to say is something like this, "I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's difficult, and I hope things work out for you. Let me know if there's anything I can do."

And if any of you now reading this are going through it, that is what I want to say to you.

wow--this is OLD

so a friend of mine asked me if i would remove his name from a very old post, since his name was coming up in google. problem was, i couldn't remember how to log in to this blog! i mean, my last entry was 4 years ago!! reading it felt weird, and oddly current. Current, because i feel like nothing has really changed since the last time i wrote. I still work in the city. i still have no children. i still am married and nothing else is new.

how does one go about changing their life if everything around it is the same?

this is for alpha

so alpha wants me to update this blog. so i am. i spend more time at myspace.com/bnakedlady though--feel free to visit there if you would like to.

http://www.kloggy.com/photo/bs01.gif

Revlon Run/Walk Fundraiser--Please help!

On May 6th, I will be participating in the 9th Annual New York Revlon Run/Walk For Women in honor of my Aunt and for the memory of my mother in law. I am hoping to help the fight against women's cancers by raising money through pledges and donations.I would like to invite you to click on the link below to visit my personal page and make a donation. Your tax-deductible contribution will help fund important research into the causes of and cures for women's cancers. In addition, selected programs of excellence that promote prevention, education and support services will also benefit from funds raised through this event.Thank you for your support in the fight against women's cancers.The personal donation page for Kelli Maass can be found at https://www.revlonrunwalk.com/ny/secure/MyWebPage.cfm?pID=321729
Please visit my page and leave a donation!
Kelli

sorry for not writing

geez, it's been awhile--not like anyone ever really reads this anyway! (hey, i have self-esteem issues--i gotta get down on myself sometimes!).

lately, i have been addicted to myspace--which is also why i haven't posted anything over here. and this post will mainly consist of an article that i copied from another place. it is about text messaging (something else i am addicted to).

my friend, Ed, went to Asia this past summer. he said i would have loved it (i have already been there, but not to the cities. i was in the rural areas of Vietnam teaching English when I was 19), EVERYONE there text messages!! this article explains why--among explaining some other stuff. Enjoy!

____________________________________________________________________

The Pleasures of the Text
By CHARLES McGRATH
Published: January 22, 2006


There used to be an ad on subway cars, next to the ones for bail bondsmen and hemorrhoid creams, that said: "if u cn rd ths u cn gt a gd job & mo pa." The ad was promoting a kind of stenography training that is now extinct, presumably. Who uses stenographers anymore? But the notion that there might be value in easily understood shorthand has proved to be prescient. If u cn rd these days, and, just as important, if your thumbs are nimble enough so that u cn als snd, you can conduct your entire emotional life just by transmitting and receiving messages on the screen of your cellphone. You can flirt there, arrange a date, break up and - in Malaysia at least - even get a divorce.


Shorthand contractions, along with letter-number homophones ("gr8" and "2moro," for example), emoticons (like the tiresome colon-and-parenthesis smiley face) and acronyms (like the ubiquitous "lol," for "laughing out loud"), constitute the language of text-messaging - or txt msg, to use the term that txt msgrs prefer. Text-messaging is a refinement of computer instant-messaging, which came into vogue five or six years ago. But because the typical cellphone screen can accommodate no more than 160 characters, and because the phone touchpad is far less versatile than the computer keyboard, text-messaging puts an even greater premium on concision. Here, for example, is a text-message version of "Paradise Lost" disseminated by some scholars in England: "Devl kikd outa hevn coz jelus of jesus&strts war. pd'off wiv god so corupts man (md by god) wiv apel. devl stays serpnt 4hole life&man ruind. Woe un2mnkind."

As such messages go, that one is fairly straightforward and unadorned. There is also an entire code book of acronyms and abbreviations, ranging from CWOT (complete waste of time) to DLTBBB (don't let the bedbugs bite). And emoticonography has progressed way beyond the smiley-face stage, and now includes hieroglyphics to indicate drooling, for example ( :-) . . . ), as well as secrecy ( :X), Hitler ( /.#( ) and the rose (@{rcub};-- ). Keep these in mind; we'll need them later.


As with any language, efficiency isn't everything. There's also the issue of style. Among inventive users, and younger ones especially, text-messaging has taken on many of the characteristics of hip-hop, with so much of which it conveniently overlaps - in the substitution of "z" for "s," for example, "a," for "er" and "d" for "th." Like hip-hop, text-messaging is what the scholars call "performative"; it's writing that aspires to the condition of speech. And sometimes when it makes abundant use of emoticons, it strives not for clarity so much as a kind of rebus-like cleverness, in which showing off is part of the point. A text-message version of "Paradise Lost" - or of the prologue, anyway - that tries for a little more shnizzle might go like this: "Sing hvnly mewz dat on d :X mtntp inspyrd dat shephrd hu 1st tot d chozn seed in d begnin hw d hvn n erth @{rcub};-- outa chaos."

Not that there is much call for Miltonic messaging these days. To use the scholarly jargon again, text-messaging is "lateral" rather than "penetrative," and the medium encourages blandness and even mindlessness. On the Internet there are several Web sites that function as virtual Hallmark stores and offer ready-made text messages of breathtaking banality. There are even ready-made Dear John letters, enabling you to dump someone without actually speaking to him or her. Far from being considered rude, in Britain this has proved to be a particularly popular way of ending a relationship - a little more thoughtful than leaving an e-mail message but not nearly as messy as breaking up in person - and it's also catching on over here.
Compared with the rest of the world, Americans are actually laggards when it comes to text-messaging. This is partly for technical reasons. Because we don't have a single, national phone company, there are several competing and incompatible wireless technologies in use, and at the same time actual voice calls are far cheaper here than in most places, so there is less incentive for texting. But in many developing countries, mobile-phone technology has so far outstripped land-line availability that cellphones are the preferred, and sometimes the only, means of communication, and text messages are cheaper than voice ones. The most avid text-messagers are clustered in Southeast Asia, particularly in Singapore and the Philippines.


There are also cultural reasons for the spread of text-messaging elsewhere. The Chinese language is particularly well-suited to the telephone keypad, because in Mandarin the names of the numbers are also close to the sounds of certain words; to say "I love you," for example, all you have to do is press 520. (For "drop dead," it's 748.) In China, moreover, many people believe that to leave voice mail is rude, and it's a loss of face to make a call to someone important and have it answered by an underling. Text messages preserve everyone's dignity by eliminating the human voice.


This may be the universal attraction of text-messaging, in fact: it's a kind of avoidance mechanism that preserves the feeling of communication - the immediacy - without, for the most part, the burden of actual intimacy or substance. The great majority of text messages are of the "Hey, how are you, whassup?" variety, and they're sent sometimes when messenger and recipient are within speaking distance of each other - across classrooms, say, or from one row of a stadium to another. They're little electronic waves and nods that, just like real waves and nods, aren't meant to do much more than establish a connection - or disconnection, as the case may be - without getting into specifics.


"We're all wired together" is the collective message, and we'll signal again in a couple of minutes, not to say anything, probably, but just to make sure the lines are still working. The most depressing thing about the communications revolution is that when at last we have succeeded in making it possible for anyone to reach anyone else anywhere and at any time, it turns out that we really don't have much we want to say.

PLEASE watch this--it is the funniest thing i have seen in a long long time!

Lazy Sunday Rap

dang, myspace people are annoying

i am gettin' tired of all these myspacers pestering me to get my account set up---so i am trying to make it happen. check out the progress:



Check me out!