ex-boyfriends
what is it about the ex-boyfriend? sometimes they seem to hold this imaginary power over us. like we should never think of them again, yet we do anyway. i have one friend who talks about her ex like it was yesterday and they broke up over 5 years ago. i have another friend who, i think, will spend her life constantly looking to replace the one that "got away." I just wonder if the ex-boyfriends put that much thought into their ex-girlfriends.
i dated a guy in highschool--we'd known each other for years and started dating when i was a junior and he was in college. We loved each other--truly, deeply. Great guy--we broke up just 'cause. he called me when i was in college to tell me that he was getting married. That may truly have been the most heartbreaking moment of my young adult life. the pain was so intense--although i held it together until after the phone call was over. That feeling of "that should have been me" was racing through my brain and my heart.
i never spoke to him again. i wonder about him sometimes. like is he happy? does he have kids? what is his job? i never wonder what if?, or why not?. what i do think of often is if he thinks of me? and i don't know if i would be happier or sadder if i knew the answer was yes.
i am lucky to still speak with one of my exes--one whom i love very very much. and i am glad to say the feeling of "what could have or should have been" is not there--at least i am pretty sure it isn't. He and i can laugh about old stuff now. Yet i still am so intrigued by him--like i need to make sure he stays somehow a part of my life. Is that a bad thing? i mean, should we let them go completely? or is it good if there is still a helathy relationship? i know divorced couples can do it, but isn't their bond stronger than that of "just" a couple that dated? the thing is, with this guy--i wish him nothing but happiness. i wish i could set him up with someone--he is a terrific guy and it pains me to see him not with someone. i have none of the old feelings for him--and that is true in his case also--so it shouldn't be wrong for us to talk. right? question is, how would i feel if my husband was doing this same thing? i'd like to say it would be okay....but i don't know if it would.
posted by k-bnakedlady @ 9:03 AM
4 Comments:
I can understand your feelings. Im lucky enough that im still friends, or at least on some sort of speaking terms, with almost every ex i have had. It almost always takes time and space for that to happen, but i think it's healthy when it finally does.
I as well have an ex that i love very much. I think love, if it's real, lasts forever. I also have a somewhat unique view of what love is. I don't look at it as an emotion, though certainly emotion plays a heavy role. To me love is simply when you care for someone else's well being and desires more than (when appropriate) or as much as, your own.
This ex and i had an intense relationship and a messy break up. It was only years later that we forgave each other and were able to be friends. She is now happy and married.
When we broke up, i couldnt see things for what they were. My emotions and attatchments to her clouded things. I learned from that relationship that sometimes it doesnt matter how much you love someone, you can be too different to mesh.
What i couldnt see then was that what was best for her, was to not be with me. It wasnt that i was abusive, or hurtful as a boyfriend (though im sure at times i was neglectful...) it was just that she wasnt able to be herself and me be happy. It was this never ending cycle with one of us either unhappy, or one of us being untrue to themself trying to please the other.
Distanced from the situation, i can see things without my emotions getting in the way. I know now that *not* being with her in that way *is* loving her. She has found someone that she can be herself with, and be happy at the same time. She doesnt have to compromise the person she is, trying to make the other happy. I can also enjoy the person she is, without her having to do anything but be herself.
Anyways, we are friends again, and i can promise you that there is no one on this earth happier for her. She has found a way to get the relationship she always desired, the one that i was sinply not able to give....and im ok with that. I am going to be able to give someone else that. Then she can be happy for me. =)
Love your husband. Cherish your memories. Be thankful for the friends you have, no matter what the past or where they came from.
anon--you sound like a really great man. the girl who gets you is gonna be one really lucky girl.
I'm wondering which one you are talking about. I have a good idea, but not 100%.
And I'm the same way. The past creeps into your memory every now and again. I do the same thing with friends that I haven't seen in ages. What are they doing? Do they have kids? Do they think of me?
It's life.
I've never posted to a blog entry, but I stumbled on this after a random encounter, 20 years later, with an old boyfriend. Talk about a whirlwind of emotions, but I think more than mourning a romance that was dead, I felt as though I was mourning a friendship that died.
We live in the same town now and I hope we *can* be friends. His wife is also very nice and didn't seem threatening nor was she threatened by me. I told my husband and he was upset and of course went into male panic mode. I just told him he needed to trust me--I'm not like that and I would think he'd know that by now, after years of marriage.
So we shall see what happens.
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